NOW IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE

It was really bothering me that the Mets were eliminated from the playoffs, while Kenny Rogers was having so much post-season success (why? I won't bring up 1999 again).

It was really bothering me that the Mets didn't get their chance to ruin Rogers' near-perfect post-season.

It was really bothering me that Rogers was having a near-perfect post-season.

How could this happen? Well, naturally, he's cheating, that's how.

And all of a sudden, the Kenny Rogers story makes perfect sense.

I didn't see Game 2 of the World Series. (I can't bring myself to watch, really.) But I have heard multiple stories, seen a little bit of the video - and that ain't dirt Kenny. And there's picture evidence, which I've lifted off of ESPN.com, that shows that Kenny Rogers had this same thing going on in Game 3 of the ALCS. Coincidence? I think not:

You can clearly see the brown mark (pine tar?) in the same spot in both pictures. My theory? Maybe he just grips the ball better. But something unnatural is going on.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but apparently Tony LaRussa came out to talk to the umps about this, but didn't really challenge it greatly. There's a bunch of conspirators out there, and this is one conspiracy I'm on board with. The rumors that LaRussa is not going after Rogers because of his friendship with Jim Leyland seem to be false - I'm going with the theory that LaRussa doesn't want to bust Rogers because then his own pitchers come under scrutiny, and they may be taking part in some untoward behavior themselves.

And thereby we have the Mets connection. The dominance of Jeff's Weaver and Suppan? Maybe they were cheating. Just a thought - there's a parallel here between Weaver and Rogers - mainly, they suck, and they're both pitching lights-out right now. Something's up.

(I would be remiss if I didn't bring up Oliver Perez's sudden success. I hate to point the finger at a Met....but while the accusations are flying around....)

Just a thought - assuming a good pitcher like Tom Glavine is just going with his regular stuff, he has a good first outing, then hitters see the likes of Weaver, Perez, John Maine (maybe), and then they get back to Glavine, who's not cheating, maybe his stuff looks a lot better the second time around, and that's why the Mets lose Game 5. Just a thought.

Long story short - I feel cheated. And I blame my own personal nemesis, cameraman-assaulting Kenny Rogers.

MAIL CALL: Just checked my e-mail - Dave in Brighton left me a message with the two pictures I just showed above. He asks, "What do you think, cheater?" I think I've stated my case. Sorry I didn't check e-mail before I wrote, I could have attributed the pictures to you, Dave, instead of where I got them from.